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Too Fucking Nice

Main pic via Bigstock/Anthony Correia

When it comes to my social dealings, I think I focus too much on being a good and accepting person. So much so that I let people get away with disrespecting me. Especially when it comes to people who don’t know me as well, those in supposed positions of respect (i.e. a friend’s parent, my elders), and people who may be unprepared for my raw anger.

My usual routine? Smile sweetly. Respond politely. Restrict any body language that might betray me. This doesn’t seem so bad in some situations. But when it comes to disrespect, ignorance and flat out wrong behavior, I choose to let people live. And it’s my soul I have to kill.

I am strong enough to take everything in stride and keep it moving. Sometimes strength is not enough. I keep too much clapback within me. And end up fantasizing about the opportunity to snap at anyone who tries to take my freedom away from me.

 

Who comments on my body hair

Who labels me weird for every other thing I do

Who dismisses me as ignorant or incapable simply because I have breasts.

Who would rather exert their power than listen when I express my feelings.

 

The fire of aggravation glows hotter when I find myself in conversations with people who hold such antiquated ideas about social issues. Being that patient person who will spell out the definition, causes AND effects of racism, rape culture, homophobia (and so on and so forth) gets tiring after encountering so many who’d rather dismiss my words than open their mind to another’s experience.

The line between going ham and holding my tongue is one I constantly tippy toe on. I’m walking high on a tightrope, stepping one foot gingerly in front of the other. Spectators down below yell their shitty opinions at me. My spirit yearns to lunge into the air – safely held by invisible cable – and throw various sized bottles with messages enclosed. They bust out upon impact:

 

“Do Some Research”

“Your Opinion doesn’t matter”

“Shut The Fuck UP!”

“I respect your opinion but also recognize how much it’s influenced by societal condition”

“Wake up Nigga. It ain’t ’63, ‘93’ OR 2003 anymore.”

“That man is a rapist. I gives no fucks how good his music sounds.”

 

The spectators shriek when hit. Glass cuts their forehands, chests, fingers and any other vulnerable parts. They’re unaware and too focused on their bruises to notice the message. They remain confused but I’m satisfied in sending a message.

Cause when the show ends, they’ll have to stand to leave. They’ll notice the strips of paper. Bend over to pick them up, hoping for a cookie’s fortune. Instead, it’ll be a message that says:

 

“Voting alone will not save you from fascism.”

 

Some may still go home ignorant. Others might be able to consider the nuance of black power vs. white supremacy. And the initial shock and bruise will be worth it in the end.

This is an occasional fantasy. No matter the case, I play the very thin line of accepting and correcting in real life. Rather than stepping down and walking away.

Idk. I do my damndest to be positive, genuine, and accepting but the mindset of some muthafuckas gets deep under my skin for real.

It’s either people I don’t want to offend or the depths of me I don’t want to lose.

Can anyone explain how to maintain the line and avoid the pain of being too fucking nice???

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One thought on “Too Fucking Nice

  1. I can completely understand the sentiment of wanting people to be open to other ideologies and experiences; it’s not asking them to convert, act upon or change their own beliefs, yet, to show acknowledgment, if not empathy, towards other human beings in various situations.

    I’d encourage you to continue to take the high road. Smile. Let ridiculous people be ridiculous.

    Then again, I’ll check an “adult” really quickly, as I do not find age and respect to be synonymous or automatic requirements.

    Just know you are not alone in trying to find balance between popping off, and pushing on. ❤

    Like

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