Depression · Experiences · Life Lesson · Vulnerability

The Manure of 2016: Let That Shit Go

The Manure:

Depression. Suicidal Thoughts. Uncovered Trauma. Agency Abuse. Gave Away My Power. Shattered Through Heartbreak. Broke Some Hearts. Shut the World Out. Cried / Sobbed / Cracked Over A Lost Friendship. Sent my dog off to a new home. Suffered in Retail. Lost Too Much Money. Spent Too Much Money. Got Fired. Overworked. Disrespected. Lied on. Lied to. Called fake by someone I had dedicated myself to. Suffered in Anxiety. Lived in Anxiety. Had plenty of Panic Attacks. Been Slapped With Emotional Weight by way of the Interconnectedness of Atlanta. Had Drunken Arguments. Pushed My Friends and Family Away. Avoided Going Home. Cried Out to My Higher Power. Roared out my Sadness in the middle of the day. Suffered Intense Loneliness. Let Myself be Used Just So I wouldn’t be Alone. Spent Nights Out Having Anxiety Attacks and/or Wishing I would Die. Mentally Chopped My Enemies & Emotional Abusers. Neglected Myself to the Point of Hospitalization. Gained New Debts. Overdrafted My Bank Account More than 10x. Went to Sleep Starving. Woke Up Without Anything. Felt Alone Within Groups of People. Committed Many a Social Faux Pas. Lectured, Criticized and Gave Up on Myself. Chased Ex-Friends and Love Interests Who Didn’t Want Me. Underappreciated those who Love Me. Went a week Without Water. Gone Days Without Showering. Cried To Break Up Songs. Imagined Scenarios that Angered, Stressed, Saddened me to the Point Where All I could Do was Sleep. Lowered My Standards. Let Others Violate My Boundaries. Doubted Myself. Questioned Me. Denied Me, My Pain, My Heartbreak. Forbade Others From Seeing My Darkest Moments. Burned Possessions of ExFriends & ExLovers. Contemplated Burning Me. Shrunk Myself in The Presence of Others. Ran from Love. Ran from Opportunity. Kept Myself Closed. Blamed Myself for the Misfortune of Others. Blamed Myself for The Abuse & Neglect Others Dealt Me. Binged on Pornos & Masturbation. Stayed in Places that Crushed Me just to Say I Had a Friend. Held On Tightly to the One Who Broke My Heart. Accepted & Adopted his ideas of Who I Am. Felt Worthless. Unloved. Unworthy of Touch. Ignored. Devalued. Fetishized. Delayed My Ascent. Put Everyone Before Me. Allowed Other’s Perspectives to Define Me. Obsessed Over People. Stood In One Spot. Felt Stuck. Got Angry & Easily Irritable. Lost My Patience. Lost My Mind. Laid In Bed Until The Very LAST Minute I HAD to Get Up. For Days At A Time. Drowned Myself in Anger & Spite. Robbed Myself Of My Feelings. Sold My Soul. Sold My Body. Lived in Toxicity. Stayed Trapped in Fear. Hid My Struggle. Smiled Over My Tears. Presented Peace over My Anxiety. Carried My Own Boulders. Compromised My Beliefs. Kept Quiet. Swallowed My Pride, Ego & Pain.

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